What I Have Learned

It’s been a year. I’ve been battling cancer for a year. I’ve known I had cancer for a year. I’ll always remember Cinco de Mayo as the day it was actually said to me.

What have I learned in a year? Oh my goodness. The lessons are seemingly endless.

I have learned what it is like to be feeble. I have had to have help doing things I’ve never had to have help doing. That is a greatly humbling experience.

I have learned to accept help, gratefully. SO many people have helped me in so many ways. I can’t even express the gifts I have accepted, and still continue to accept. It’s hard to be the giver and be given so much. But, I am so very thankful – and that is an understatement.

I have learned that not much matters, as far as drama goes. Actually, none of it matters. So many things people are upset about, get upset about. Rumors flying. People getting so angry. I look around and want to open my arms up and say gently, “Calm down.” I’ve never liked drama, but I for sure don’t have any use for it now.

I have learned that I can help people through my experiences. I have met so many people during my treatments. I’ve met veterans, and newbies, and even the doctors and nurses. I have been kind and gentle throughout my treatment. I have seen people I know, I have seen newbies with the blue folders – the overwhelmed – the scared. And, I have tried to be so gentle with every one of them. I’ve listened to the ladies that have done this three times and are still fighting so hard. I have heard of so many types of cancers. I have congratulated a man that had 86 treatments in 2 and a half years, and he was finally finished.

I have learned that life is so special, what little time we have.

I’ve learned that I shouldn’t have taken one healthy moment for granted, and that I never will again.

I’ve learned that when every moment has pain and yuckiness, death might actually be a welcome next step.

I’ve learned that someone dies of cancer in every single movie and TV show!

I’ve learned that just because you feel invincible, you aren’t.

I’ve learned that cancer can be a reason to speak to someone. A reason to rekindle relationships. A reason to say, “I love you.”

I’ve learned that EVERY step of cancer treatment is hard. Not just the part that makes you lose your hair. That’s what the non-cancer people think- as long as you have hair, you’re good. Each new step and new treatment is so difficult.

I’ve learned that you don’t have to feel brave to be brave.

I’ve learned that you don’t have to feel strong to be strong.

I’ve learned a new definition of patience. You have to have TONS of patience to get through cancer treatment. It is so UNCOMFORTABLE. Discomfort has lasted for almost a year now, in some way. I haven’t been at peace and rest for a long time. But, I’ve learned a new peace and rest. A new way to be comfortable.

I write this with a very positive, yet realistic way. I know it seems that I only speak of cancer, but it has my life at the moment. Every activity hinges on it. I’m not okay enough to do the things I want to do.

I am still taking a type of chemo. It’s called Kadcyla. It’s only for HER2 postive breast cancer that has spread beyond the breast. It is an immunotherapy and a chemo. The way it was explained to me is that it takes the chemo to your cancer and then releases it. You take 14 treatments, three weeks apart. If, you can make it to the end. It's such a difficult regimine, many people cannot make it through.

You can find all kinds of things about the chemo that makes you lose your hair on the internet. The videos, the articles, everything you need to know. But, it’s hard to find anything on Kadcyla. I don’t know why, it’s been around since 2013. However, HER2 positive breast cancer is only 25% of the cases, and the cancer is usually aggressive.

I’ve taken 9 treatments of Kadcyla. I have 5 to go. My next one is Monday. When I first started taking it, I would ache for a few days after. But, now, I ache almost constantly. I only take Advil or Tylenol when it starts to affect my eye sockets, which is several times daily. I have trouble moving and getting up and down. I am incredibly tired most of the time. And now, my heartrate has increased to an alarming rate. When I had the hair-loss chemo, my pulse stayed around 90. I asked the nurse, and she said my body was going through so much. Now, my resting rate is over 100, and if I do a task as simple as put my shoes on, it shoots up to 150.

I started taking some beta blockers, but have had to double them up. If about 10 hours passes, it’s like they don’t work. Highly annoying, and I would gather, a bit dangerous.

Anyway, here I sit. Taking treatments for a year now. Lost my LONG hair, growing “something” back that gravity doesn’t seem to affect… Hobbling a bit. Try to stretch my left arm that doesn’t work the same as it once did. Not exercising. Angry sometimes. Sad sometimes. Discouraged sometimes. Laughing. Crying. Singing. All in one big mess, called me.

The good news is, I have learned that new kind of peace. I think that’s huge. And, I have also completely given this to God. Any healing. Any decisions. Anything. I have asked God to do exactly what He wants with this. I’ve decided to not question, and just trust and try to humbly accept. I have to do it that way, or I’d go absolutely crazy.

Whatever is in store for me, I hope to accept and go through. Yes, I might get angry, upset, and yell and scream. And, you can be sure I’ll write about it. But, whatever is next, I will do, no matter the outcome. I choose to trust Dr. Pham, Shannon, Crystal, and all the wonderful people that are taking care of me and are invested in my health. What a difference they make, each day.