The Spiral

As I write, the lowering of my walls and defenses can be very challenging for me. It’s easy to write for people who don’t know me. But, everyone has ideas and notions about people they know. We all show people what we want them to see. We build our lives deflecting and guarding sides of ourselves that aren’t that appealing. I don’t want to do that anymore. As you all well know, I want very little out of this life. But, I do want real. I want messy. I want truth.

I also am not writing this for you to make judgments about me, mumble stories of untruths, or use this against me. If that is your intent, get off my site now. You are unwelcome. But, if you'd like to listen with an open heart and perhaps find a lesson in yourself, or one to help others in your life, then please, read on.

So, I am going to talk to you about my spiral. Writing is very therapeutic for me. But, I share it with the sole purpose of helping someone else. If one person can say, “me too,” then it was worth sharing. If it helps someone not feel quite so alone, feel a bit more understood, feel like they might be able to “real up” a bit more, then I have done what I wanted to do.

I used to not be plagued with a spiral. I used to trot along, blissfully unaware of what it was like to be haunted. Sure, I had a few little haunting memories. But, a series of massive difficulties grew feelings that madden my soul from time to time. It was mainly words said to me and actions taken by people I loved that caused the switches to flip inside my mind and my heart. It was almost a physical reaction. I could feel each one changing me on some molecular level. Then, I was left to try to get through it all. I was supposed to be okay. I was supposed to let it bounce off. I was supposed to turn around and walk away unscathed. I guess that’s what everyone thought I would do. But, I was far from okay, and honestly, I’m still not that okay. It’s going to take a while. And, that’s totally okay.

I would, and still do, from time to time, wake with my heart in agony. Pain and anxiety plaguing my thoughts. I hear him telling me the most negative things. I hear the worst. I am almost debilitated by it. Can’t concentrate on anything but pacing the floor.

For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll try to explain it. Yet, I am positive it is different for different people. When my spiral is happening, I only see the bad. The bad in me, the bad in every circumstance. It’s like a perpetual episode of my very own Fear Factor. It’s like having your phobias in your face and not being able to get rid of them. The pain is great. The fear is greater. And, it affects every single part of my life. I feel like people can see it all over me. I feel guilty for letting it happen. I hate myself for it. Therein lies the spiral.

If I’m lucky, I can figure out exactly what it is that has me. And, every time, it’s the same thing. It’s the devil. The devil has me. He is whispering in my ear, my heart, my soul. He wants me upset, haunted, debilitated. He wants me right where he’s got me. Because the spiral, it does absolutely nothing but harm, in every direction.

The Bible says the devil “prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” (2 Peter 5:8) I can hear him. Almost every day of my life. Sometimes, he’s actively devouring me. Some days he’s right outside my door. And, if I’m lucky, sometimes I can’t hear him.

This occurred to me, that it was the devil, one day, and it changed everything. When I forget who it is, is when it gets out of control. When I realized exactly what he wanted from me, when I figured out how he wanted me to be, and that I was letting him win, that’s when the game changed. Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes, he still wins. I battle him every single day of my life. I’m one of those kind, haunted people.

The devil wants me weak, doubting, scared, paranoid, haunted, and hurting. He wants me debilitated. He wants me hopeless. He wants me frightened of the future. I hate him. I hate how good he is at what he does.

I know why people give up. I know why they distract. I know why they don’t want to feel. I know why they become destructive in some way. But, I just can’t do that. I have to feel it all full force.

I also know why people pretend. Messes aren’t comfortable. For the messy, or the one near the mess. But, to me, I’d rather be around messy, real people now. Honest, and raw. I’d rather be able to be messy. To talk about my pain. To not quite be okay.

Will I defeat the devil? Absolutely. I am determined to be okay. To defeat him. To be with my Father in Heaven. I’m thankful for the haunt. I’m thankful to have experienced this spiral. It has helped me to listen and understand other’s spirals.

For anyone out there who struggles with a spiral, I am truly sorry. I pray that you will be able to look your foe in the eye and call him for what he is. I pray that you will be okay. I pray you find peace. I pray you defeat the devil.