Day 5 – Halfway there!
Guidepost 5 – Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith and Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
I close one eye, squint the other and turn the pages of this book, hoping for a guidepost that will be easy to write about. Easy to read about. Not get all “intrusive” to my heart. I’m not sure that exists in this book… So, here we go.
Yesterday’s blog was scary for me. Setting that out there. I felt the weight of it all day long.
Intuition
I’ve never really thought about intuition that much- only in those instances where a nasty, big van with no windows pulls up beside me and a man hops out with a sign on his chest that says “Serial Killer” and asks me if I want a ride. Clearly, my intuition jumps in and serves me well.
I don’t think of it as something that operates on a full-time basis. But I think Brene is right. We have to make split decisions all day, every day. It’s constantly operating in real time. Yet, we question it and squash it and need it approved before we act on it. Society even makes us try our best to ignore it.
That gut feeling. It’s interesting to think that I could use my intuition in everyday life. With every decision.
But we have to make quick decisions all the time. About what we will do, who we will talk to, where we will go, how we react. A huge one for young people is – Who are you going to “talk to?” I truly believe there’s a gut instinct that should be cultivated and tended in our young people. It’s vital. They are being contacted 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by people. Random people… Who are these people?? Unfortunately, my gut takes the stance of “trust no one.” I seem to think every single person is operating out of that creepy van. Perhaps that thinking is deeply flawed. Perhaps it stems from way too much true crime. Perhaps Gabby Petito’s death affected me more than I know… But, perhaps I’m right, as well.
But, trying to be nice, and shoving that burning feeling in your gut away. That’s not a good thing.
I also think everyone has that thing in their gut that keeps them on a path to be a good person. Those little decisions, each day. Being a bit more kind. Softening a bit to people who need it.
It’s a constant balancing act between protection and kindness. And 2021 affects that balance greatly.
Brene said that the thing that squashes our intuition is our need for certainty. We will get to that in a minute… But she needs to mind her own business. Man.
Faith
When I think of faith, I think of it solely in relation to God. My belief. But that plays a huge part of my everyday life. It’s the belief in something more than what I see.
I’ve been challenged by this book and by my upcoming degree. (And by my hair as it grows, haphazardly out from chemo…)
Faith and intuition seem to be a tight rope we walk, with no net, at times. We just have to risk things and do it. But the need to be completely certain, can shatter that risk. And I believe it can even hold you back.
I have taught for 21 years – maybe 22. I’m at the age that I don’t really know for sure how old I am until I do a quick bit of math – that’s where I am on my career – no clue how long it is, for sure… In those years, I have found that my kids want the answers before they start an assignment. They want a dot-to-dot assignment, a color by numbers assignment. One that they can get right. Every time.
Yet, they don’t want that. They long to be challenged, but they are scared of it at the same time. I have seen it for years. Are we the same way?
Do we long to be challenged, but are we scared?
Do we push aside our faith and intuition in order to be completely certain?
I want to know what’s going to happen next. I want to see it laid out before me, like that dot-to-dot puzzle. I know where the next number falls, where my pen will travel next. I want to know to color the number 3, yellow. It’s easy. It’s not challenging. And it doesn’t scare me.
I asked Dr. Pham, “When will my cancer come back? How will I know? Is it gone?” All answers she cannot possibly give, and I knew that as the words escaped my lips. I wanted her assurance. I wanted her to tell me I could go ring a bell somewhere that told me and everyone else I was in the clear. No bell. No answer. She didn’t give me my next dot. She can’t.
In her book, Brene puts this quote:
“The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.” Anne Lamott.
Let that sink in for a bit.
The need for certainty can drive us all crazy. To know that each decision we make is okay and right and solid. To know, for sure, what is coming next. That would be so nice, wouldn’t it? We fight faith and intuition every day for a need to control the outcome. To mold the clay of our lives and our children’s and loved one’s lives into something we think needs to happen. It’s so hard to let go of. Our fingers bleed from the effort.
Today, relax your grip a bit. Listen to your gut. Brene said she hadn’t listened to hers in years. I get that. I’ve been too busy panicking about the little things I have no control of to listen to my gut. To let my faith kick in.
What would you choose if the choices were:
You can live this safe, certain life, dot-to-dot, and it can be unremarkable?
or
You can live a scary, amazing life, full of risks, but completely wholehearted?
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