My hair was onto it long before I was. I had already known things wouldn’t be the same, and therefore, I cannot help but think my hair had just gone on and leaned into it.
I used to live my life from the outside in.
I was so healthy, vibrant, and sparkly. I didn’t look haggard, tired, swollen. I was youthful, bright, and in fantastic shape.
I was never prone to mirror-watching. I didn’t spend long minutes in front, smoothing, painting, curling, straightening. I’ve never been one to admire that view.
When my dad died, we went through all our pictures. We were looking for great ones of Daddy, but I couldn’t help but think how incredible I used to look. When you grade on a curve, like cancer, it’s easy to think you looked incredible, long ago.
I have been so down on myself lately because of my physical appearance. I’m bigger than I’ve ever been. Less muscular. Puffy. Swollen. And I’ve misplaced my eyebrows somewhere along the way. My hair has become downright unruly. It mocks me, daily, as I try to coax it back in its rightful place.
I was talking to a friend about how bad I look, and she said she only sees that when she’s looking for it. She told me my heart shines right on through, and I’m no different than I ever was. In fact, I’ve gotten better.
That made me stop and think: My focus on my outward appearance has been taking up too much of my thoughts. It’s time for me to start living from the inside out.
We all know, it doesn’t really matter what you look like. I’ve never put much stock in it, ever. But now that I’ve started looking different than I have before, I find it bothers me more than it should. I’ve never been vain. I’ve never been overly obsessed with my appearance. In fact, I’ve always taken it for granted. I’ve never dressed up. I made myself up only sporadically. I’ve always spent more time dressing up for Halloween than anything else in my life. That deserves a meticulous touch.
But lately, I don’t feel like I even look like myself. That bright, shiny person I used to be. And it’s been playing on me. It’s been really getting to me. Would I be this hard on anyone else who’s been through what I’ve been through? Mercy, no! But I came prepackaged for self-cannibalization in certain aspects of my life. I’ve been unmercifully devouring my self-esteem about my looks lately. And that’s not like me.
I saw a quote once that said, “If you’re not beautiful by 80, that’s your own fault.” I love that. It’s absolutely true.
Physical beauty, even physical looks fade. We morph and change into beings we may not have physically recognized before. I’m looking at myself with a 30-year-old lens. I was right there at my supposed prime around that age. A marathon under my belt. A century-mile bike ride. I was unstoppable.
It dawns on me that if I continue to live from the outside in, I won’t ever be content. Even if I got as thin as I’d like, fixed my hair just right, found those pesky eyebrows… I’d be chasing nothing more than an idea of what I should look like. That idea, like it or not, runs parallel with societal norms quite a bit. And, that idea is unattainable. I’m not 25 anymore, or 30 anymore. I won’t ever be again. It’s an idea that only runs farther ahead of you while, like it or not, you age, change, and leave the physical prime of your life behind. But I don’t think your prime has to be gone. I’d much rather have a kind spirit, a sharp, intelligent mind, and a loving heart. I’d much rather use the lessons in my life to grow me into someone remarkable.
I must adjust my thinking and way of life.
I’m aging. I’m taking some meds that make it hard. I have breast cancer, and it could come back at any moment.
But my heart is beautiful. My mind is sharp and agile. My spirit is loving and filled with mercy.
What more could a person need? What more could you ask from another person?
That needs to be what comes out of me every single day. That needs to be how I live my life.
From the inside out.
It will be an intentional, new walk for me. A new way to think about my own self. Besides, like I said before, my hair knew things were changing, I was just too stubborn to listen.
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