I got another good report at the doctor’s office this week. After an insurance snafu and being turned back- but that’s another blog… for someone else.
My body has been through hell. And I can tell, coming out of the backside of this thing. I’m sleeping in wrist braces and had fluid unceremoniously sucked out of my knee a couple of weeks ago. I traded in my good road bike for a hybrid- and the hills make my heart almost explode. I actually walked it. Twice. But, I’m still here. I’m not the me I used to be, in many ways. But, I think I’m okay with that. We all change. And if we age, or have a serious illness or injury, there are changes that may not ever go away. That’s just the way bodies are. You can only do so much with one.
I have another three months. My doctor told me that’s all she can give me. She said she was sorry she can’t give me longer. But, in that moment, and even now, I’m so grateful for three. It’s just the type of cancer I have. Always waiting in the wings. I guess my life will be divided into mini-semesters. Each time I sit in there, I wait to be told what these next months are going to look like.
I told her I will take it. Gladly. It’s such a weird concept though. Three months at a time. Like how school is broken up into six weeks.
It got a bit real this evening when I told JJ I had another three months. I suddenly thought- that’s May. So soon.
It’s not fair that I had cancer. It’s not fair that I can’t hear the phrase “cancer free.” Totally not fair. And not right. And definitely not okay.
But this is how it is. Period. So, I’ll take the celebration for three months. Janna told me, “short term okays are to be celebrated for what they are.” I’ll breathe easy for a few months, and go see her again. And if it comes back, we will sit down and gather up courage and a new plan. That’s how it is. Fair or not.
I used to think- when I’m done with this, I’m going to live every moment like it’s my last. Do you know what I found? I don’t have enough money or energy to do that. I can’t possibly see every single thing I want to see- do every single thing I want to do. I just don’t have the means.
And then it occurred to me- living life to its fullest isn’t about skydiving, bungee jumping, extensive traveling… it’s about those ordinary, everyday moments that fill our lives, and we don’t even realize it.
When death sits on your shoulder, you start thinking about everything you will miss if you go. Picking out the cap I’ll put on. Choosing my shoes or my shirt. Pumping gas. Eating a certain meal. Seeing people I love. Listening to the spring birds. Music. The list goes on and on. I say it’s those little moments that make you live life to its fullest.
The thing is, death sits on all of our shoulders. Life is so fragile, and none of us is getting out of this alive. And, I suspect, it’s all about the little moments for every single one of us.
I don’t sit here in a pool of self-righteousness, writing. I don’t mean to preach. I just want to share my thoughts. I tell myself these things each and every day. I have my low moments. Angry moments. Stupid moments. I mess up. I’m messy. I’m no better than anyone- not one single person. I’m just a person trying to figure it out as I go. Just like you.
Let’s take this day and appreciate those little moments. Each little bite. Smile. Breeze. We never know what life will bring. But I do know, with all my heart, that it’s far too short not to make the most of each small bit of it. And for goodness sake, err on the side of love, grace, and mercy. Apologize when you need to. Tell people you love them. Tell them you’re proud of them. Try to understand.
I hope you have a good semester. ♥️
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