Beast Mode

I went to see my radiologist Thursday. Dr. Shide is super cool. She’s nothing like Dr. Pham. But, again, I’m in the “Phan club” for Dr. Pham. I wouldn’t want anyone picking my treatment but Dr. Pham. But Dr. Shide is one of us, a bit more human. She sat with me and we spoke for some time. She told me this cancer was very treatable. That with the advancements they have now, they could potentially give me decades. DECADES?? I almost fell off the chair. That word, while it may not be true, was the word I needed to instill a sense of hope for me. It was the word we all needed. So, we will cling to that word, gladly.

That word is what I needed to keep moving forward with my future.

The radiation should be able to kill the cancer in my neck. It’s the equivalent of surgery. Probably better because they’re blasting a larger area, just to be sure. I will have 30 treatments on my neck, shoulder, and throat. I’ll start that in a couple of weeks, for six weeks. I’ll have some Hannibal Lecter mask sucked down onto my face during treatment, but I get to keep it when we are done… I smile when I think about that. Radiation will more than likely be brutal. Especially on my throat. I may have months of Ensure ahead of me. My neck will be nasty looking and painful. But it is supposed to heal completely after it’s over. So, brutal is fine with me.

Bring. It. On.

I am not sure when I will start injections and the new pills. I would think about the same time.

Hopefully, we can get completely rid of this cancer in my neck. Hopefully, the full body treatments Pham is going to put me on will not allow it to spread. We will still be doing a pretty significant blood test to see if they can find the disease on my blood. If it is in my blood, there will likely be another round of different treatments.

At least we have a plan.

The thing about cancer, and especially breast cancer, it’s very unpredictable. I have no idea what the future will hold. The last six weeks has been a ridiculously absurd roller coaster. Thank you all for throwing your hands up and screaming alongside me.

So now what? Stage 4, metastatic breast cancer. I’m one of the women on the TV. The ones dressed all cute, scarf flowing, laughing in slow motion at some frisbee that came to close to my head…

I think of it as a chronic disease. When one hears stage 4, we all know what that means. It’s certain death. But we are all at stage 4, if you really think about it.

I am going to live with stage 4, metastatic breast cancer. I will have some kind of treatment for the rest of my life. I won’t ever get back to my physical beast mode like before. But I’m thankful I had a beast mode. And I did a lot during that time. And it was awesome.

I have a totally different beast mode now. And in many ways, it’s much better than the one of my 20s.

I think, maybe, part of life is about shifting your beast modes. I had an athletic beast mode through high school. A long-distance beast mode during my 20s. A mom beast mode during my 30s. And in my 40s, girl… So. Many. Beast. Modes.

I’m ready. Ready to get started. Ready to kick its ass.

I was reading my textbook on neuroscience this week, and, of course, the reading was about anxiety. In it, and I happen to think this is not accidental, there was a quote from Viktor Frankl. "Meaning in life is found first in recognizing that life has an end and second in accepting responsibility for taking action that will enact meaning in the limited time we are given." I feel this is true for all of us. Like it or not, we are all on a timeline. Some shorter than others.

I will need your prayers, and I’m so grateful for the ones you’ve sent my way. I am also so very grateful for you reading and sharing my blog. To me, there is no point in going through so much junk if you don’t use it to help others. Somewhere, maybe years from now, long after I’ve moved on from this earth, someone will read my words and they will know they’re not alone. Someone has walked their path before. That, for me, is finding meaning. Writing is taking action that will enact meaning with the time I am given.

So, let’s do this. Cue the beast mode.

One day, Mountains

Love to all.