Authenticity

Let me preface this by saying, I have much work to do. I am reworking everything I’ve ever been. I’m taking pieces of things I love, like, and hate – rearranging, refining, and rejoicing in each one and in the difficult and grueling process.

Beautiful glass artwork has been put through heat of about 1000 degrees. Sometimes it’s shattered on purpose. It’s reworked. Broken. Stretched. It goes from sand, sticks of colored glass, bits and pieces to something remarkable.

After all that, what is created is breathtaking and beautiful. But it goes through an incredibly difficult and unimaginable process.

I am going to write real, raw, and authentic. Don’t read it if you’re going to hate. Don’t read it if you’re going to use it against me. Don’t read it if you’re going to mold it into your own convenient thoughts about me.

Read it if you are also reworking your glass. Read it if you want to live more authentically. Read it if you want to create safe places for those around you.

I am getting my master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I just finished up my very first graduate semester. It was hard work. Reading and writing constantly. 10-12 page papers every week. But, worse than that – it was working with the glass of my soul, heart and mind. I had to shatter things, take a look at them, put them in the furnace, and rework them. I have a feeling my entire degree will be exactly like that. But, it is so necessary for me. I have been deeply wounded. I am damaged. I occasionally limp through my days. I feel physical pain. I flinch, waiting for reactions. I look at people and don’t trust. I hear voices, every day. My past whispers at my ear.

For this bit, I am going to be working through Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection. I knew, when John gave me this book, that it would take more than just reading for me. It would take deep work. And, since I have a few weeks off of my degree work, this is my work of choice.

Guidepost 1 – Cultivating Authenticity and letting go of what people think.

I read through this section and highlighted, underlined, and wrote things in the margins. I agree with Brene on so many things. In this section she said, authenticity was something we practice. Not just a state of being. She also said it’s quite scary to be authentic. I find that is true, too.

I spent years doing what I was supposed to do. Being quiet. Submissive. But I had a whole world inside of me that was longing to be free. I know what it’s like to live in an inauthentic way. And, I know the soul-crushing weight of it. I also know, quite well, the fear that comes from letting your authentic self show.

Society wants comfort. That is what makes the world go ‘round. Comfort.

None of us want our comfort disrupted. That’s uncomfortable. Like stretching. I used to lead stretches with my kids in P.E. They would gripe and complain that it “hurt.” I told them, if it’s not uncomfortable, that’s not a stretch.

Why have we stopped stretching? And, it seems that we do that at all costs.

Authenticity is very uncomfortable. Not only for the person being authentic, but for the potentially shocked listener. They might make up labels for this “new found” discomfort. Poor Casey, she’s going through a mid-life crisis. Well, that might actually be true, since I’m reworking my glass. But, as Brene, again, says, we go through a mid-life unraveling. And, we can either clinch our butt cheeks as hard as we can and try not to change, or we can get to work and change. And, it’s a forever work, hard work, brutal work. That, my friends, is where I am. My unraveling. Welcome. And, it’s a brilliant season. One in which I let my hair flow any which way it wants. I get a tattoo where my port scar was. I wear my burks. I write what I want, unapologetically.

Here’s the truth, folks. I’m a mess. But I’m a beautiful mess. A brilliant mess. I cry. I laugh. I walk. Think. Look up at the stars. Search for new songs.

I don’t think societal roles are a good thing.

I am vaccinated – 3 times!

I hate big trucks on my butt.

I love listening to Noah Kahan and Brandi Carlile. And, I like rap. A lot.

I don’t care about skin color. At all. I care that you are a good person. But, I truly believe that people are judged on their skin and that is NOT right.

I think we should practice more love, grace and mercy. Whether we believe it’s deserved or not. I think that should be our default setting.

I want to go on a long, car-camping trip. I want to be stinky, and messy.

And, finally, I want to create Safe Places. We all need them. A place to come without fear. Without judgment.

I hope you can live a bit more authentically today. Brene said it’s contagious. And, I couldn’t agree more. You know that nagging part of your heart? Let that part speak a bit today. Be vulnerable. Be real. Be authentic. It’s a choice we make every day. And, it’s a hard one. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

Please share this. I'd love to get my blog OUT. Outside the confines of ones I know.

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing. Thank you, Brene.